Harpers, Meet the Salvatores
by NykkiLeighVampireHeart
Summary: After Elena decided she would be better off without them, Stefan&Damon move to Malibu where they meet Charlie&Alan Harper who offer to let them stay for a little while. 2 pairs of brothers that hate each other living in the same house. What could happen?
1. Chapter 1

**Harpers, Meet the Salvatores**

_**Rating:**__ T_

_**Disclaimer:**__ I hope L.J. Smith or the CW or the people who own Two and a Half Men don't pull an "Anne Rice" because I LOVE writing FanFiction about it! _

_**Summary: **__A few months after Elena decided she would be better off without them, Stefan and Damon move to Malibu, where they meet Charlie and Alan Harper, who offer to let them stay for a little while. Two pairs of brothers with completely different lives living together …What could possibly go wrong?_

_**A/N: **__I LOVE the Vampire Diaries, (of course) and I just recently got into Two and a Half Men. I got the idea when watching "A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer." When Charlie was trying to make Alan uncomfortable, I realized that these two reminded me of Stefan and Damon. HA! _

_Here are some examples:_

_Charlie/Damon: both drunken womanizers and hate having their brothers with them._

_Alan/Stefan: both high-strung, self-righteous guys who secretly look out for their brothers._

_And some of the dialogue in Two and a Half Men could totally work for Damon and Stefan. - In the episode I mentioned, Charlie climbs in the shower with Alan to make him uncomfortable and when it doesn't work, Charlie later on says to Alan: "The next time you drop the soap in the shower, I'm going to forget I'm your brother." LOL!_

_So…yeah…enjoy the story…:D_

**Chapter 1: Salvatores, Welcome to Casa de Harper.**

"Where are we going?" Stefan asked Damon impatiently as he was led by his brother down a Malibu street at 10:30 at night.

"Just come on," Damon growled irately. "Stop brooding for a minute and have fun. Like the old days." He smirked.

Stefan frowned. "You mean when we were ripping women to shreds?"

"Exactly."

"Damon, where are you taking me?"

Damon rolled his eyes. "Oh, for the love of God, we're here."

A bar? "You took me to a bar?"

"Yes, Stefan." Damon smirked at him as they walked into the bar.

They both sat down at the bar.

"Bourbon, neat." Damon said to the bartender.

"Bourbon man, huh?" A guy sitting next to him said.

"Yep." Damon replied. "You?"

He held up his glass. "Oh, yeah."

The man next to him leaned forward to look at Damon. "Though at home, he has a wide variety of whisky, wines, beer…he's just your average alcoholic."

Damon smirked. "My man." And downed his drink.

Stefan looked over at the two guys. "I'm Stefan Salvatore. That's Damon. We're brothers."

"Oh, I'm Alan." The second one smiled. "Charlie and I are brothers too."

Damon laughed and Alan looked at him. "Sorry," He said. "I had a completely different picture in my head."

"What was that?" Alan asked and Charlie gave him a look. "Oh." He said and looked down.

Charlie turned to Damon. "Trust me; if I were gay, I would be doing a lot better than him."

Alan offended, looked up. "Yeah, Charlie's not gay; he'd rather spend thousands of dollars on promiscuous, selfish sex with hookers."

To their surprise, Damon laughed. "Again, _my man._" And he downed his drink.

Charlie studied Damon as he ordered another. "You can put it away can't you?"

"Oh yeah." He grinned.

"Bartender?" Charlie called. "Four shots of Tequila."

Damon raised an eyebrow at Charlie. "Competitive?"

"Ah, a little."

He grinned. "How about a little bet to see who can hold alcohol better?"

"Alright."

"Damon, we really shouldn't-" Stefan began but Damon shushed him.

Alan spoke up. "Stefan's right, Charlie. You know what Tequila does to me."

"Oh, don't be such a baby." Charlie replied.

"How about if I win, you let my brother and I stay at your place until we get settled."

"And if I win?"

Damon reached in his pocket and pulled out a roll of bills.

He handed on glass to Damon. "Ready?"

"Yep," Damon smirked.

Stefan rolled his eyes.

"Go!"

Damon, Charlie, Alan and Stefan downed their drinks.

Damon was the first to slam his glass down on the table, followed by the other three, Stefan and Alan coughing.

"Ah," Charlie said as another round arrived. "I see you have talent."

"Years of practice."

"I may have to step up my game a little." Charlie laughed.

"Go!"

Again, they all downed their drinks, this time, Charlie and Damon both finished at the same time.

"Woo!" Charlie yelled.

Coughing, Stefan rose his hand up. "I'm out."

Alan nodded. "Same here."

Damon and Charlie both smirked at their brothers then downed another shot.

This went on for hours, but by the end of the night, Charlie was so drunk that he couldn't even sit in the chair, and Damon was almost as bad.

"We'll get our stuff and meet you there." Damon slurred.

"Alright." Charlie replied after giving Damon directions to his Malibu beach house.

Alan shook his head, knowing Charlie would regret this in the morning, but called a cab to come pick the two of them up. He guessed that Stefan would drive Damon home – he seemed almost as wasted as Charlie.

_Funny._ Alan thought. _Stefan didn't look old enough to drink._

_**The Next Day**_

Charlie groggily woke up with a massive headache. How much had he drink last night? He remembered meeting some guy and –

_Oh, no._

Warily, Charlie opened his eyes and _very slowly_ looked beside him. He breathed a sigh of relief that there wasn't a naked strange man in his bed with him. He slowly stood up and waddled drunkenly into the bathroom to pee and, more than likely, puke until he coughed up a lung.

Just as he suspected, he ended up throwing up in the toilet before walking down the stairs. He heard Berta laugh about something.

Odd. He thought. Since when does Berta laugh?

Someone must be in pain, He concluded.

He walked into the kitchen to see the man from last night – Damon Salvatore, sitting with Berta, laughing about something. Damon glanced over at him, waved and went back to talking to Berta.

What the hell?

"Oh, hey, Charlie." Alan said from behind him.

Without warning, Charlie grabbed Alan, towing him into the living room.

"What the hell is that guy doing in our house?"

"Well, you got drunk last night and offered to take him and his brother in for a little while."

"What? I hate having you and taterhead here already! What makes you think I would want two _more_ annoying bastards in my house?"

"I resent that!" Damon said from his place in the doorway. He smirked. "Nah, not really." He walked over to them. "Who's this…taterhead you speak of?"

"My son." Alan replied.

"You have a son?"

"Yes. Jake."

"The kid's a moron." Charlie said.

"He's not a moron, he's…_okay _he's a moron." Alan agreed and Damon laughed. "He lives with my ex-wife across town. He'll be here in…" He looked at his watch. "Crap! A few minutes!" He began pacing. "Judith is going to be so angry with me. Charlie's not dressed and we have two strange men in our house! Crap, crap, crap! Jake is gonna…" He resumed his rant, leaving the room.

Damon raised his eyebrows at Charlie.

Charlie made a gesture to act like he was whipping someone. _"Whatsscchh!"_

"Ah," Damon nodded, grinning. "I've seen that before." He walked over and sat on the couch. "My brother. He's out…hiking by the way." He smirked.

"Ever been there?" Charlie asked, moving to follow him.

"_No,"_ He replied. "You?"

"Almost."

He nodded and Berta suddenly walked in, two cups of coffee in her hand. He handed Charlie his, then walked over to Damon, smiled and placed his on the table.

"Thank you, Berta."

"You're very welcome." Berta giggled like a school-girl before walking back to the kitchen.

"What the hell was that?" Charlie asked, looking at Damon.

"What?" He sipped his coffee.

"That! She never acts like that!"

"Really? What is she usually like?"

"Bitchy, ill-tempered, and a world-class smart ass."

"I heard that!" Berta called from the kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Harpers, Meet the Salvatores**

**Chapter 2: **

Damon and Stefan talked for a little while when the doorbell suddenly rang.

"Berta!" Charlie said.

Berta crossed the room down the hall. "Zippy!"

Alan ran into the living room. "That's probably Jake."

He opened the door. "Stefan?"

Stefan smiled. "Sorry. I wasn't sure if I had to knock or not."

"Oh, no. Just come and go as you please."

"Yeah, just like Alan." Charlie said.

Just as Alan was about to close the door, he heard, "Hey dad."

"Jake!" He smiled. "What's up?"

"Not much." Jake walked in and to his room.

"Hello, Judith."

"Who are _they_?"

"Oh, Stefan and Damon Salvatore. They're going to be staying here for a little while."

"Oh." Judith waved. "Hi."

Stefan smiled and shook her hand. "Stefan."

Damon just waved from across the room.

Judith instantly disliked something about Damon. As she was walking back to her car she whispered to Alan, "Keep that one away from Jake. I don't need another Charlie around our son."

"I will." Alan promised. "Bye."

Damon smirked and turned to Charlie. "I don't think she likes me."

"Judith doesn't like anyone."

"Then why is she married?"

"She needed someone to do the chores."

"Ah." Damon nodded.

"That's not true!" Alan argued. "It takes more than just that to please Judith."

"Yes, Alan, and obviously while you were married you couldn't figure it out."

Damon, Stefan, Berta and Charlie laughed.

"Very funny, Charlie." Alan said sarcastically.

A few hours later, Jake walked downstairs and into the kitchen. _Where is everyone?_ He thought.

Whatever. He opened the fridge and got out a plate of leftover pizza. When he closed the door, he jumped back in surprise to see Damon leaning against the counter.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"Who are you?"

"Damon Salvatore."

Jake nodded. "Did Uncle Charlie bang your wife or something?"

"What?"

"Don't feel bad, it happens all the time. Could you wait to kick his ass until after I go back upstairs? I don't really want to clean up afterwards."

Damon took the plate out of Jake's hand and set it on the table, sitting down in one of the chairs and laughed. "No, my brother and I are staying here for a while."

"Why?"

He motioned for Jake to sit and pushed the plate towards him when he did. Jake took a slice and began eating. "We just moved here."

"So where is everybody?"

"Alan took Stefan…somewhere," He shrugged. "And your uncle Charlie is at some bar. Isn't a little early for that?"

"What time is it?"

Damon looked at his watch. "Almost 5."

"Then no." Jake shook his head and bit into his pizza.

Damon laughed.

"So why did Uncle Charlie agree to this?"

"We made a bet while he was drunk."

Jake nodded. "That makes sense."

"I handle alcohol a little better than Charlie."

Jake laughed. "Then you must be pretty good."

"Yep." Damon smirked at him.

The doorbell rang and neither Damon nor Jake made a move to answer it. It rang again.

"Berta!" Jake yelled.

"I'm not cleaning it up, tater head."

Jake rolled his eyes.

Damon laughed. "Could you get the door, please?"

"Of course." The door opened and Damon heard a "What do you want?"

A young girl said, "I'm here to see Jake."

"Kitchen." He heard Berta's footsteps go down the hall.

A girl, maybe about 15 with dark hair and blue eyes walked in. "Jake?"

"Oh, hey Jamie." Jake got up and wiped his hands on his pants. "What's up?"

Damon rolled his eyes. Has Charlie taught this kid nothing?

"Oh. Jamie, this is Damon. My uncle Charlie lost a bet."

She nodded and smiled at Damon.

"So where are you two headed?" Damon asked.

Jake shrugged. "I don't know. Bowling Alley."

Damon stood up and reached for his wallet. He handed Jake a 100 and walked out of the room. As he passed, he whispered, "Take her to the mall and buy her whatever she wants."

"Wait, why?"

Damon smirked and grabbed Jake's arm. "Excuse us, Jamie."

She smiled.

He took Jake in the living room. "Okay, here's the deal. If you offer to buy the girl what she wants, you'll be able to see what kind of person she is. And that'll score you more points."

"Ah."

Charlie, Alan and Stefan walked in the door.

"Thanks, Damon." Jake said. "You're almost better than Uncle Charlie."

Him and Jamie left.

"Hey," Alan said as they walked past. "Where are you going?"

"Out." Jake siad and shut the door.

Damon luahged.

"Hold on a minute!" An obvious drunk Charlie slurred. "You're better than me? How did that happen?"

Damon shrugged. "The kid has promise."

"Hold on," Alan said. "What exactly did you say to him?"

"Just a little friendly advise on women."

"Damon…" Stefan shook his head.

"What? It's not like I was teaching him how to get prostitutes."

"Yeah!" Charlie pointed at Damon. "That's my job, Mister!"

Alan rolled his eyes.

A/N: K, I'm sort of low on imagination fuel here, so any suggestions would be greatly appreaciated. Lol :D Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"No, Alan. I'm not going back to that damn shrink!"

"Charlie, you got drunk off your ass last night. I think you need to go back."

"I get drunk every night! What makes a difference now?"

Stefan cut in. "You know, Charlie. Damon could go with you."

"I could _what_?" Damon stepped out from the kitchen.

"It wouldn't hurt you to talk about your feelings."

"No way in Hell that's happening!" Damon said.

"Come on, Damon," Alan said. "If you and Charlie are as alike as I've seen, it wouldn't hurt for you to see the psychiatrist, too."

"No!" Damon and Charlie yelled at the same time.

**2 Hours Later**

"I cannot believe we are doing this." Charlie said to Damon in the waiting area.

"My brother's just lucky I didn't rip his throat out before coming here."

Charlie laughed. "Same here."

Damon raised an eyebrow. _Oh, he thinks I'm joking._ He mused.

Suddenly a woman with short blonde hair and a boho-looking outfit opened the door. "Charlie? Let's get this over with." She said. "Damon, I'll see you after Charlie."

"Alright."

Damon sat there, listening to Charlie and the shrink. Being a vampire, he, of course, could hear every word and the woman sounded…_fun_. Damon smirked when he heard them stand up and walk towards the door.

Charlie stepped out and passd Damon, but not before whispering, "Careful, she hasn't gotten laid in a while, so she'll be harder to listen to – very callous."

"I heard that." She called from her office.

"And she's a witch."

Damon laughed and said bye to Charlie before stepping into the office, closing the door behind him.

"Hello, Mr. Salvatore. I'm Dr. Linda Freeman."

"Hello,_ Linda_." Damon said, enunciating the spanish word for "pretty."

She didn't blink. "Please call me Dr. Freeman."

"Okay…"

"So, tell me about yourself."

Damon grinned. "The truth?"

"I expect nothing less of you here."

Damon nodded. "Okay."

**30 Minutes Later**

"So, for all I know, Katherine is still in the tomb and Elena is-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there." Dr. Freeman said when she was able to pick her jaw up off of the floor.

Damon stopped talking.

"You, are one whacked out nut-job, Damon Salvatore."

Damon laughed. "You think I'm making this up."

"Yes and no."

He raised an eyebrow.

"The problems with your brother and you loving the same girls, your abusive dad, and your trust issues are all real, but your mind has created this…fantasy of 1864 and vampires and doppelgangers is your mind-"

"Hey, Doc?"

"Yes?"

"I'm tellign the truth." He smirked.

"Okay…can you prove it?"

"Prove what?"

"That you are a vampire?"

"Sure." Damon smirked and stood up. He ran across the room, then back in the blink of an eye.

"So…you're exceptionally fast. That doesn't prove anything."

He gave her a "Really?" look. He picked up a stone piece of art work and broke it in half.

She stared at him for a minute. "You know you're going to pay for that, right?"

"What?"

**15 Minutes later**

"Damon?" Stefan called and walked into the shrink's office. "What the hell?"

Dr. Freeman, who had a bitemark on her neck was holding Damon down on the floor, sitting on him yelling psycho-babble in his ear.

"Stefan! Help! This bitch is nuts!"

Stefan laughed and walked away.

"Wait!" Damon called.

"This is all an illusion, Damon! Listen to me!"

There was a loud thump, then the shrink kept talking.


End file.
